"I will go with thee and be thy guide"

isn't it odd how you don't know who you are or your own opinions until you are asked to present them? sometimes to discover what means the most to you, you have to be asked the question by someone else, perhaps a stranger. why is that so?

someone once asked me why i don't have someone and i answered and found that my answer was what i've truly believed for a long time but never really realized that i believed it until it came out. and it did just come out. when i considered it myself before, i would always say the timing wasn't right for me or for the event. but what i told my friend was something very different. i said it was because no one knew me. those people who take a liking to me, think i'm quirky, fancy me, they don't know who i truly am. its not that i'm not ready--maybe i am, maybe i'm not--or that the timing isn't right, its to do with my own insecurities. i don't let people know me and since they don't know me, i can't find someone to trust, or at least to trust enough to be with in that way. they don't know me, and sometimes i fear that if i did get involved and i revealed myself to them, they would change their mind and see me as a monster. dramatic, yes, cliche, of course, but that is how i feel. to think that my life is a cliche.

its also odd how actors can change their appearance like snakes change skins. i watched the bourne supremacy on sunday and caught two actors from the lord of the rings trilogy in this movie! i nearly jumped out of my seat when i noticed them. they look very different and i think they look less...ethereal and more human. perhaps because in rings, they played characters that were supposed to be aloof from normal human physiques. one of them was eomer, karl urban i believe. he played the hired assassin type errand boy for the russian oil tycoon. the other was the only other agent who knew about the treadstone project, the one bourned choked to death in munich, germany with a tieback. i think his name was celeborn in lotr, the man beside galadriel when they walked down the stairs to greet the dwindled fellowship. so. the casting agent for the bourne supremacy must have fancied lotr! nice to know some people have a little heart and aren't afraid to use it. especially in an industry like hollywood.

and just so whoever is reading this knows, when people assume that they are following my train of thought and think they know what i'm feeling, they don't, and i find their discourses highly annoying. so if you're reading this post and giving yourself a knowing nod and wink, second-guess yourself, for i despise people who do that and then give me advice over emotions i'm not even feeling. its almost like an indirect insult. you have been warned.