the week of meaning

this week has been...unbelievably unpredictable.

my research paper is driving me nuts. i think it is going to drive me certifiably insane by the end of week 10 when i hand it in. only three more weeks! i don't know how i'm going to do it! and it doesn't help that finding sources for my topic is proving to be very difficult. everytime i think about it, i'm caught between ambition and worry: if i pull it off i just might be distinguished, if i don't all that work would have been for nothing. and who's to say i'll survive this?!

my boss at work has been sick all week and is subsequently crankier than usual. every. little. thing. annoys. her. and its starting to annoy me. i do my best to help the customers while she's back in the room hacking away. and what does she respond to a customer who says i have been a great help? "she's okay." yeah, thanks a lot. even her tone was dismissive. i can't believe some people. you do your best and it doesn't mean anything if they're not happy. it makes me mad.

and then there was Tuesday. our director didn't show up for choir that day and as a result, i actually enjoyed rehearsal more than usual. this bass i have had a crush on since last quarter kept exchanging looks with me which made me happy and hopeful. they weren't even romantic looks, but it doesn' matter because the reason we kept exchanging glances was because we were thinking the same thing. the sopranos weren't performing up to parr on Tuesday and there was this one moment when they came in a measure early. i stopped singing and eyed the sopranos with frustration. then we glanced at each other. we did this a lot, and it wasn't conspicuous, but it seemed like a good thing.

oh, but that wasn't the end of it. when rehearsal was over, we all filed out of the room and headed in our respective directions. i found myself walking beside him. and you know what i did? nothing! i did absolutely nothing! my crush was walking beside me for at least five strides and i didn't so much as look at him! any normal girl would have taken advantage of his coming to walk beside her and actually say something. words aren't even necessary! just a smile would have done fine! and it wasn't as if i was occupied with my thoughts!

that, curse it, was the end of it. he went to his dorm, i went to my car in the mesa parking structure and once i had shut the door i started yelling at myself--a litany of "why didn't you say anything, you coward?!"

that was my pathetic week. or maybe i'm pathetic and that was just a pathetic person's week. i still can't believe i didn't say anything. i am eighteen years old and this is who i am! a coward!

to top it all off, my mother and father keep giving me advice about getting engaged and married in the future. all these problems with my sister and her soon to be in-laws has made them anxious about my future decisions. my mother says that it is better if my husband loves me more than i love him to ensure his loyalty. my father says that before i get emotionally attached to someone, i should make sure their family and family history is acceptable. if they are not, i should dump the man. both my parents caution me about bad genes. if the man i want to marry has a history of down syndrome children, say, i should dump the man. i heartily disagree with all this advice. i don't believe in falling in love recklessly, but i also don't believe in giving up love because i might have a down syndrome child. i suppose i can say that because i've never had to care for one before, but what else could you do? abandon your true love because you don't want to deal with a mentally disabled child? that seems wrong to me. but maybe i am too softhearted. maybe i don't understand yet, how hard life would be.

i have said many times in the past that i do not want to get married. when i talk about having children with friends i always leave it up to chance. my best friend even said she imagines me with cats when i get old. right now, i am willing to believe this.

*shakes head* if it does happen to be this way, then perhaps i will be another Miss Rumphius. being an old maid is not so bad if you're a Miss Rumphius.