compere guilleri

there have been no revelations as of late so i fear this post will be considerably dull.

there was a woman at the bookstore today who brought in her two children. they were sucking on lollipops. after spending twenty minutes in the store and buying $27 worth of books, i went around the store windexing everything they had touched. i was disgusted. and the girl was a brat too. her mom says, "I just bought you a book, darling, what do you say?" and her little darling replied, "good." as if she were some kind of queen lauding a servant of hers for getting what she wanted! if you plan to have children, raise them right. for all our sakes.

there is...a mysterious young man i see around the plaza a lot. he either works there or goes to the uni across the street. i first encountered him in the sandwich place across from the bookstore. i was paying for my order when i dropped my wallet and everything fell out. i bent down to start picking things up and he was suddenly beside me helping me gather my credit cards and whatnot. i didn't get a good look at his face then because i was afraid he was only helping me so that he could nick one of my credit cards, but when i double-checked later on, nothing was missing. i didn't even thank him, which made me feel bad. as i waited for my sandwich he sat outside waiting for his and i couldn't bring myself to go up to him and say thank you. i left without saying a word to him.

i saw him about a month later. i went outside to bring in the cart and flowers since it was closing time and i nearly bumped into him. i saw him again last month: he was buying a sandwich from the same place and i watched him through the bookstore window. when he actually came in to look around, i hid behind the register like a coward. he didn't stay long, though because his cell-phone rang and he went out to answer it. its strange, but i've gotten so used to seeing him that i recognized his back walking into the sandwich place today. seeing him makes me feel jittery--the way i feel before a performance or when i have to do some kind of oral presentation. part of me thinks its because i never thanked him properly. the other part of me thinks i kind of like him. but i'm almost sure i don't. you can be nervous around a guy without liking him, right?

the wedding is fast approaching. my sister is beginning to move her things over to her fiance's apartment. but it still hasn't hit me yet. at the bridal shower, when i saw all the gifts being given to her wrapped in white and silver, i couldn't convince myself that it was her birthday. these gifts were for her wedding and i realized--for a little bit, at least--that she was really getting married. i sometimes think its not fair: the fact that she's getting married so early. i'm nineteen and i had to host that bridal shower! i also have to give a maid of honor speech and throw a bachelorette party! we always said we would move out of the house and live together once i got into college, but now that will never happen. it could've happened if she were to marry four years from now, but that's not how it turned out.

there is so much i want to do before i get married--if i get married--that i can't understand why she doesn't want to wait. i want to see the world! i want to travel and learn another language. i want to get my masters in London and live in France for at least a year. i want to learn to play the cello. in other words, i want to be free. and i will be. i think she's wasting some of the best years of her life getting married right out of college. but she's never wanted anything more than to get married and have children and raise a family. this i do not understand.

my mother has this superstition. i have a mark on one of my toes. she says that if someone is born with a mark anywhere on their foot, they're destined to travel and go places. my godfather thinks i'm going to marry a diplomat. ever since i got a recruiting letter from the NSA, my father has been urging me to join. either way, i'm definitely going places.

but not yet. first i must wean my parents so that they won't miss me too badly when i am gone. i don't think they'd be able to bear it if my sister were to move out and i were to leave as well. they've focused their lives on the both of us for so long that they are finding it hard to do things by themselves--just the two of them. sometimes my sister and i deliberately stay away so that they are forced to face each other. they are gradually getting better at it.

as i have no work tomorrow, i'll probably spend the rest of the evening watching movies and finishing Ender's Game.

ah, yes. Ender's Game. the first time i heard that title it seemed to linger--like the name of ancient cities: Byzantium, Damascus, Pompeii. now that i have begun reading it, i am disappointed. but then again i was never one for hardcore science fiction. so far it has a little too much coarse bravado as if the author overdid the heartlessness of the "system". its set in a world where families are regulated and parents obliged to have only two children. anymore than that would be considered illegal. its futuristic. a critic called it "intense" and i think i agree, but its not the kind of intensity i find intriguing. Ender's older brother, Peter, is a character reminiscent of East of Eden's Charles Trask, and by allusion, to the wicked biblical brother Cain. i never liked stories with that kind of archetypal character. i prefer to associate with characters that have a little more common sense. and i think this book lacks some of that. its a little too much fiction.

i rather liked the book Operation Red Jericho although some of the graphics were distracting and the characters too plucky. i can't say that i've read a book recently that i would highly recommend. but for future reference, i need to buy decent editions of the Marianstat trilogy...