Thursday, August 19, 2004

the bells of Notre Dame

my roaring cascades have not returned and i cannot write for the life of me. i read what it is others write on sites like fanfiction.net and fiction press and i am disgusted. disgusted that people should write such things with self-satisfaction as if they were bestowing upon the literary world something that has never been seen before.

angst.

please inform them that such a thing as angst comes and goes as it pleases and will not serve as sufficient enough inspiration for an aspiring writer. and the stories that come from it are completely idiotic!

knowledge.

though, i grant you, it is something we cannot live without and something i value very highly, one cannot assume that knowledge of how to write makes one a writer. very few subjects can be taught in a book by design and the craft of writing is still not, and will never be, one of them. authors who fancy that they can learn how to write by reading the right books and getting advice from the right people, are sorely mistaken. i have read what it is they write as well and though others deem the work well-enough and many of these authors' books have been listed as best-sellers, i cannot agree with the way they treat the craft. as if it can be taught and learned like a subject rather than an art. art can be taught, i grant you, but intuition, experience, beauty, and heart for heaven's sake are also part of the process! don't treat writing a book like completing some kind of form. archetype, check, plot, check, conflict, check, suspense, check, bloody resolution, check. and it angers me that they're work should be admired so.

imitation.

and for goodness sake, use your own bloody ideas!! i understand getting ideas from the great authors like Tolkein, and Lewis, and Cooper, but don't use what they have created in your own book! originality! value that more than the rising action of a certain plot!

maybe i am only so sore because...because i want so badly to write something worth reading and here are other authors who read about the craft of writing in a book and decide to write a book with little substance just to try it and they are praised for it!! people who write on a whim with very little appreciation for books at all!! and what comes from these people's endeavors are shallow books that become beloved for some reason in the cosmos while others who would wish to have as much success with a meaningful book are left with little hope.

ruddy, ruddy, ruddy. i am in a mood.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

lack of byte

its interesting to remember what you planned for the day after you've lived through something entirely different.

observe.

i planned to:
1. get my haircut
2. buy some much needed accessories for work and school
3. stop by the bookstore
4. stop by my college
5. make a doctor's appointment for some immunization shots

i actually:
1. woke up at 9:00
2. got out of bed at 11:00
3. ate something at 11:30
4. went online and was a bum
5. changed into decent clothes to get my haircut
6. went back online and was a bum some more (didn't get my haircut but stayed in the 'decent' clothes i had just changed into)
7. ate a nestle drumstick
8. checked over some college things online
9. ate dinner
10. went to target with parents
11. experimented on the piano

i didn't even set foot in my car like i had planned. usually i'm not this lazy, but ever since i started working, i tend to be extremely lazy on my days off. lazy to the point where its kind of disgusting.

well, tomorrow i work for another eight hours since i'm taking over my friends shift. bless her, that's eight hours of decent pay once again!

next monday, the 16th of august, i will be online at 4:00pm to enroll for the fall quarter of classes at my college. is that a guillotine i hear? *shudders* perhaps its my imagination telling me to get ready, because i really have no idea what i'm going to do!

"world ideology as explained by cows" of the day:

BUREAUCRACY: you have two cows. at first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. then it pays you not to milk them. then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

and that, my friends, is college in a nutshell.
i will post the entire list of world ideologies as explained by cows another day.

until then, salve and adieu.

goodnight!

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

mmmmm....

i love it when my nails are short.

work was crazy today!! four people from the regional office of our store came and had a meeting in the manager's office. jill said they were interviewing someone for a managerial position. while that was going on, the store was in a tangent! furniture was being moved all over the floor, displays were being changed, shelves installed, bays emptied and reorganized...it was chaotic! i loved it though! there were more of us there since the store manager anticipated the need for more workers today and so i got to rub elbows with the best of them. and i had fun too. tomorrow i work a straight 8 hours! finally, some decent pay.

researched some cellos online. i'm beginning to change my mind. the cheapest i saw was for $1000, and that was only a rental. then there's the upkeep and maintenance of the instrument. and i learned that the wood of cellos tend to respond to weather more strongly than other instruments. if its humid it cracks. wonderful thing to worry about when you're a beginner trying to learn how to play.

so for now...all my money is in the bank. *sighs* i need to buy something to remember my earnings, but not something that's too pricey.

goodnight, then

Monday, August 09, 2004

california street

i work with this women who is surprisingly a stoic. she's had three children and is around 50. she keeps spoutin' these sayings that i like to change and say back to her to see if she'll think i'm just a young cheeky, git. or is it a gat since i'm female? ah well. but she bears my sauciness well and actually seems to like me. they all seem to like me, but whether they do or not, i can only surmise...and hope. i am lucky to have this job, no matter that they cut my hours when sales are down and don't pay me as much as i could be payed. the people are nice, and the environment, sane.

read a script today, complete with "cuts", dialogue, and scenery. interesting read, not because of the content--which was horribly cliched and uncreative--but because i now know how to format a script if i ever wish to write one for some remote reason. also saw a book at the bookstore entitled "the 30 dollar film school" or something like that. didn't read that because i thought it was ridiculous, but it puts me in a certain mindset...

found another option for the paycheck spending. a musical instrument, and perhaps some lessons. i dearly wish to learn how to play the cello. ran into an old man who's 91 at work today. he came in with his cane to look for end tables and since i needed to make a sale, i helped him as best as i could. at first he seemed prickly, as all old people seem to be when first encountered, but he warmed to me when we found some common ground. he said he used to work with frank sinatra in the 60s as his bass player in the band that accompanied him on TV and during shows. he said he was taught at juilliard, school of music in new york. i nearly drooled. what an honor to learn from the greatest musicians at juilliard! he told me all this after seeing some pillows we sell at the store and saying that they remind him of a certain kind of color scheme that the japanese use called kabaka (phonetically spelled as i don't know how to really spell it). interesting to hear him talk about the tones of the colors, about him being an artist and how colors, art and music are all alike and all beautiful. i told him i played the piano and asked if--since he knew how to play the bass--he knew how to play the cello. i also asked if he could teach me. he said he couldn't teach me because he didn't know enough, but if i really wanted to learn, i should go to new york and learn from the best. he admitted it would be pricey--which i sardonically commented on in my head, since that is the first thing i thought of--but he said it would be worth it. he even said i looked like a celloist! fancy that!! a real musician thought i looked like i could play the cello!! he said my small hands weren't a bother as long as i had a head on my shoulders.

when i first heard george gershwin's "rhapsody in blue", i was determined to learn to play the piano just so i could play that song. it has been three years and i have accomplished both: learned to play the piano and to play a version of "rhapsody in blue". i still can't play the entire, 20 min, 20 page piece, but i know a smashing shorter version that takes about 3 min to play and is only 6 pages long. now, i want to learn the cello so i can play some pablo casal and maybe some parts of john rutter's "magnificat".

woohoo!! now off to research some prices online!

Sunday, August 08, 2004

the "real" world

you know, college is supposed to set you up for the real world, the grown up world, the corporate world. but so far, my college experience has been one incompetent facility after another!! they can't even give their students the information they need to know to fulfill deadlines! they don't provide a way of communication between a student and their counselor! everything is mainstream: use the internet, and we can answer these questions--follows a list. BUT MY QUESTIONS AREN'T BEING ANSWERED! if the real world has the same level of incompetence, then perhaps i'm better off how i am right now.

oh, but i despise those people who persist in rebelling against the "system", like society is really one huge, ironic machiavellian concept out there to make its slaves miserable; like government can't be trusted because its workers are conspiring to see their own pockets filled; like the only way to be yourself is to rebel. that is not true. the only reason people "valiantly" rebel against the system is because they don't know what they are going to do with their lives, they don't know who they want to be, and their too damn lazy to find out for themselves! so they blame their confusion on a system of choice and rebel against it. well, there are no systems out there except the ones you choose to believe in. i don't smoke, so the whole idea of the tobacco company being some kind of corporate cutthroat doesn't mean anything to me. i don't pay attention to cigarette ads. if some of my family or friends decide to smoke, fine. i'll tell them its deathly, but its their choice. i'm not about to crusade against the tobacco company. there are plenty of women disappearing and being found dead in juarez every day. now that is a system i can protest against. but those people who rebel against the administration of a high school, who rebel against their parents or their family simply because they say things they don't like to hear, those who rebel against people who haven't done anything to them but disagree, that is stupid. even those who rebel against the american government, finding truth in conspiracy theories, thinking that the government is corrupt. it might be corrupt, in fact, it most likely is in some aspects, but i don't care. america has given me more than what my original country gave my family. it is my home and my refuge. those who harp on about the crime rate, about pollution, you don't know what its like outside of america. believe me, you don't know what its like. count your blessings before your misfortunes. so those of you who think you're somebody heroic because your valiantly rebelling against whatever the hell it is you people find to rebel against, WAKE UP! soon you will know that there is no future for you if you don't stop being lazy.

Friday, August 06, 2004

[is grumbling]

another less than extravagant day.

got to mop the floors and leave early at work today. for $7.70 an hour, it hardly seems worth it.

walking my neighbor's dog for the weekend, so that'll get me some pocket change. i can't believe i'm working this much! i went from never having worked a day in my life, to juggling three jobs at different intervals! and its not like i get a lot of money either! although that last paycheck was enough to take my breath away...

continue to feel lousy considering my middle's erupting like a long-suffering crater. that's an obtuse way of saying i can't go swimming for the next five days. nevermind.

i find it very hard to reconcile the fact that the ones i love are the ones who really know how to get me angry. they know how to make me yell, to make me cry. and yet i love them more than anything else. i think it was nathaniel hawthorne in the Scarlet Letter who said love and hate are very much alike, but in my case, they are not so much alike as related.

i'd hate to be a type-casted actor, but some people just seem to only fit one role.

time for bed. don't even know why i'm still on when i should be sleeping. i don't care what my friends say about sleeping when you're dead.

adieu, drink lots of water, and don't talk about politics.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

disoriented

not a very jolly day. it was actually kind of annoying.

worked from 6am to 11am. that's it! only five hours when i could have used more. and i closed the night before at around 11pm, slept at midnight and barely made it to work five minutes late this morning. never again, i hope, will i have close one night and come early for a truck day the next morning. its brutal and very inconsiderate since they've jilted me on hours and, consequently, pay.

puh. sales is a cold business.

got home and nearly passed out on the couch. and with no proper nourishment in me but a half a bar of twix, a cardboard tasting chocolate/cookie bar, and a croissant with strawberry and cream cheese. they say sugar makes you age faster too. i woke up at around 3 and lay there for another hour doing nothing.

now as i sit here having showered and eaten dinner, i recall a certain adage passed on to me by my eight grade teacher. if you want to avoid an argument do not talk about three subjects: politics, the government, and religion/race. well, today i managed to get stuck listening to an argument about all three. an argument punctuated with name calling and apologies that didn't mean anything, with lame excuses to boot. if you're going to argue, at least do it with some dignity...and pick your battles, you morons!

*sighs*

what would you buy with your first paycheck? what should i buy with mine? so far, i've been suggested to buy

1. a new outfit to wear to a costly dinner
2. jewelry
3. an ipod (which is what i suggested to myself)
4. and the "anything that you'll remember" object

or i could be a dork and save it. its saved right now in the bank, but i would feel really boring if i didn't spend it on something.

then there was some annoying person on the threads today talking about going to the mall 8 hours a day and spending money on clothes from abercrombie and fitch and how doing these things makes her older than 12 and cooler than those sad people who don't do what she does, calling them "dum dum"s and other civilized stuff like that. i was completely disgusted. GROW UP, YOU SHALLOW IDIOT! if this is the youth of America, our future is sad indeed.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

smarmy...

*yawns*

just went blog-hopping

*yawns*

took longer than i needed to. interesting to read what others have to say about their own lives. i compared my blogs to theirs and found that i am much too stuffy when i post. maybe its because its like writing and i write like that...stuffily. will try to be more easy-going from now on. when i post, that is. oh, nevermind.

*yawns*

mental note: find a way to get one of those little converse boxes. the tagboards or whatever. need contacts first. don't want my friends reading this blog. strangers are welcome...

time for bed. goodnight.

Monday, August 02, 2004

"I will go with thee and be thy guide"

isn't it odd how you don't know who you are or your own opinions until you are asked to present them? sometimes to discover what means the most to you, you have to be asked the question by someone else, perhaps a stranger. why is that so?

someone once asked me why i don't have someone and i answered and found that my answer was what i've truly believed for a long time but never really realized that i believed it until it came out. and it did just come out. when i considered it myself before, i would always say the timing wasn't right for me or for the event. but what i told my friend was something very different. i said it was because no one knew me. those people who take a liking to me, think i'm quirky, fancy me, they don't know who i truly am. its not that i'm not ready--maybe i am, maybe i'm not--or that the timing isn't right, its to do with my own insecurities. i don't let people know me and since they don't know me, i can't find someone to trust, or at least to trust enough to be with in that way. they don't know me, and sometimes i fear that if i did get involved and i revealed myself to them, they would change their mind and see me as a monster. dramatic, yes, cliche, of course, but that is how i feel. to think that my life is a cliche.

its also odd how actors can change their appearance like snakes change skins. i watched the bourne supremacy on sunday and caught two actors from the lord of the rings trilogy in this movie! i nearly jumped out of my seat when i noticed them. they look very different and i think they look less...ethereal and more human. perhaps because in rings, they played characters that were supposed to be aloof from normal human physiques. one of them was eomer, karl urban i believe. he played the hired assassin type errand boy for the russian oil tycoon. the other was the only other agent who knew about the treadstone project, the one bourned choked to death in munich, germany with a tieback. i think his name was celeborn in lotr, the man beside galadriel when they walked down the stairs to greet the dwindled fellowship. so. the casting agent for the bourne supremacy must have fancied lotr! nice to know some people have a little heart and aren't afraid to use it. especially in an industry like hollywood.

and just so whoever is reading this knows, when people assume that they are following my train of thought and think they know what i'm feeling, they don't, and i find their discourses highly annoying. so if you're reading this post and giving yourself a knowing nod and wink, second-guess yourself, for i despise people who do that and then give me advice over emotions i'm not even feeling. its almost like an indirect insult. you have been warned.