Uninterested

i never really agreed with critics of the education system that schooling inhibits the mind. i always thought it offered a means to broaden opportunities intellectually.

now i understand what they were talking about.

i recently compiled a six page ideas draft for an essay i planned to write lastnight. it was chalk-full of ideas and analysis that i thought was very relevant and extrememly agreeable. i felt like the essay was well on its way to being a good paper. i get my ideas draft back and a note in the margin informs me that all my work wasn't relevant to what the essay prompt wanted me to focus on.

i was--needless to say--surprised and incensed.

first of all, the prompt didn't explicitly lay out the focus of the essay that our instructor laid out. the prompt had no focus whatsoever! our only focus was brought to light two days before the due date of our essay!

second. i hate it when ideas that i've worked hard on and value for their analysis should be so disregarded! its the same with the study questions i really worked on! there were certain ideas in my responses that demonstrated a lot of my better qualities and competence, but the instructor never read our responses! said instructor just looked over two or three of them to see if we were accomplishing the task per his/her instructions! so my ideas were pushed aside in favor of what the course wanted us to focus on. yet again.

i know the time will come when my ideas will be welcome, but by that time, my mind will be in a stupor and no ideas will come spring from it as they do now.

puh. education indeed.

[is suspicious]

we have reached a certain...place in humcore. we are reading Freud. i really don't know what to say about him. i don't think i've read anything of his that isn't related to sex and sexual fears or sexual satisfactions. and they call this therapy? they claim that his theories helped his patients and even cured some of them, but i don't understand what sexual satsifaction has to do with helping hysteria and mental neurosis. is it because i have a somewhat conservative mind-set? is it strange for me not to relate to his assertions? can it really be that problems of the mind are really due to repressed sexual urges or whatnot? i would hope not, because i am still a virgin and think my mind perfectly healthy.

or maybe i'm just biased. maybe i get too defensive when it comes to analysis of sex and such defensiveness hinders my ability to relate to what he is saying--or at least consider it. but so far, i seem to be the only one who finds Freud's works a little...disturbing. is that the way its supposed to be? after all, this is all for the sake of therapy.

there is a section from Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club that i could particularly relate to, then and now. counselors don't help you, they're like crows patiently waiting to drink your tears. keep your miseries to yourself and no one will get the better of you. as far as i'm concerned, i won't confide in anyone unless i feel the moment is right. well, save for God of course.