some things

i don't know what's worse: being forgotten by your best friend, or wanting to be forgotten by your best friend. in any case, what kind of friendship is with either party? so many things have been changing about me and sometimes i feel older than i really am. for the first time in 12 years, my best friend and i are going to different schools. i was actually looking forward to it (if i were sad i definitely would have mentioned it here before). she is one of the most loyal friends you could ask for, but we aren't exactly peas in a pod. last year (senior year in high school) she would hang out with people and go to parties and what not while i continued to live my quiet life. now, thankfully, she goes to more concerts than parties and sleeps over at some friends of hers out in yorba linda. i, on the other hand, go to work and school and am so exhausted after both that i refuse to do anything but stay home and rest. but there are times when i feel like going out and there is usually no one around to accommodate me. something simple is all i ask, i don't want to go to dave and buster's at 11:00 at night, nor Knott's scary farm at 1:00 in the morning, i want to keep it simple. what's so unacceptable about wanting to go get some coffee? or sitting somewhere nice and having good conversation and laughing your ass off? why must we always be doing something?

its things like this that make me wonder what others think of me. i know i'm too old to care, and in most cases i don't, but when it comes to friends and close acquaintances, i wonder. i wonder if they only seem to like me because they fear i'll break down if they don't. i wonder if they underestimate my ability to reason and at the same time have fun. i wonder if they are in their right minds when they insist having fun is doing something ridiculous or illegal. and whenever i decide to decline their invitations, i wonder if they think i have no life, that i'm boring, that i'm an old soul.

as i am changing. i didn't notice it, i think, until i started college last month. i've always been alright alone, but i found myself avoiding the Mater Dei Set at university. i didn't want to be chummy with them and cling to the past when there are so many other opportunities now. i only agree to sit with them or laugh with them when i know they have no motive, when i know they aren't sitting with me as a last resort, since they didn't want to be seen alone. and there are some from the old place that i still enjoy being with, but the others...i would rather avoid. i recognized another difference in me in my college work. my writing style has changed. not this here, but my essay style and the way i respond to questions. i compared what i do now for class with what i did last year for AP english, and it is noticeably different. better, i'd hope. then there is the way i'm not afraid to participate in class. a substantial class, mind you, i never cared about answering easy questions in classes like religion last year. and there are other things i notice daily that are different about me, but the change either happened too quickly for me to notice, or gradually while i wasn't paying attention.

i'm not scared. it just disorients me. i'll have to get used to myself first, which seems odd when you consider that you should know yourself explicitly. but what will be the end-product of all this change? will i still be who i was? maybe i should make it a point to leave myself a memo...