discrepancies

if, in any other circumstance, i found myself miserable but unable to decide how to ease such misery, i would find comfort in the usual places: a good book, playing the piano, typing on the computer, writing. but now...it doesn't seem enough. there is something in me that is restless and unhappy, wanting something i can't name. don't tell me its love or religion. i get plenty of that, i'm talking about something more abstract. i don't even have a sense of what it might resemble, just that if i ever encountered it, i would know, and be content.

i sometimes wish i were that kind of person who could afford to do anything. ride a horse, paint a picture, play a sport. but i can't. i think that my unhappiness springs from this: my desire to do so much but the restrictions set on me that i cannot forego--things like the lack of money and my parents. i think if i were rich, i would be able to pursue whatever it is that would restore my contentment. then i remember that money is not everything. so why cannot i find what i am looking for?

then sometimes i think it is the everyday monotony of my schedule. but even this does not hold up as a good enough excuse since my schedule varies from quarter to quarter. i don't know what it is. i can say for sure that i am happier on my days off than when i have to work.

work. its ironic, isn't it? how previous blogs of mine have conveyed a sense of pride and privilege towards this fact, the fact that i work. but even this has lost its wondrous infancy and is more of a burden than anything else. i refuse to quit, not only because i am too proud, but because i said i wanted a job and now i have one. i won't take something and then give it up, especially since it is not likely i will find another job so conveniently. its been half a year since i first started in july. i do not want to stay there longer than a year. henry david thoreau might have spoken true when he said he could see the wheel ruts his wagon left on the road everyday. i need a change. besides, its good for my resume to have plenty of experience in many different fields. now i sound like a banker.

i had lunch with my mother today. yesterday was her birthday. she told me that this year is going to be one of the busiest: what with my sister getting married and her company still plowing through a merger. then next year we plan to go to europe. at last.

i thought of something unusually clever yesterday, but now i can't remember what it is--save for the fact that it was clever. how cruel life is.