revolution

it's intoxicating, isn't it? the possibility that you could start over, begin anew. even if this meant losing everything that came before, destroying everything that came before, that possibility would still be intoxicating. you could do things differently, live a new life, be a new person because you would have to reconstruct everything.

maybe i only believe this because i have the luxury to believe it. i am young, starting over would not take so long. i do not own anything of real value. i don't own a home, i don't own a nice car. i could lose, feasibly, what i do own and still be alright. nothing much is at stake. but for others, they have their investments and their houses and all the paperwork that that entails. that's the thing about capitalism, in order to get more, you must invest and investments are things that do not countenance revolution. continuity is what it requires in order to build capital.

i consider myself a conservative person. i like stability and radical ideologies make me uncomfortable to some degree. but in the state i am in now, at this very moment and at moments like this one, i would like to start over. i may be innocent, but i am not naive. i have an understanding of how difficult it would be, but i would do it while i still can.

i could have lost my home a week ago because of the fires. but i couldn't help feeling this perverse desire to have my house burn down just so that i could start over. i wonder if i am the only one who feels this way. there was a desire for a revolution in me, the abolishment of the old to make way for the new. but i shall just have to bide my time, for these kinds of things come to you when you least expect them and it would do me good to remember how i feel now so that when my stability is destroyed, i can forebear it.