hmph

i was reading lastnight and i realized some things about myself.

i can't sneer.

i tried to by reading aloud from this particular book: i sounded scornful enough, but my face couldn't arrange itself into a sneer. i simply can't sneer. my face has--once and only once--morphed itself into an expression that it has never been in before, a mixture of horror and panic. but other than this, i know, without having to be told what kind of expression is on my face. and because of this, i know that i can't sneer. and i don't know why. maybe my lifestyle doesn't require it. maybe i'll learn how to sneer once i start working in an office building.

children are afraid of me.

well, not all of them. but i have been able to discipline quiet a few. where i used to work, a woman came in one day with her toddler--probably 3--in a stroller. i can't remember if it was a boy or girl, but judging from the volume of noise emanating from that small body, i'm willing to bet it was a girl. she was making an incredible amount of noise! and all because her mother wouldn't let her play with the breakables. they finally made it to the register and i was hoping they would leave soon. i was by the sale display right in front of the register and that wailing child was louder than ever. then her mom left briefly to replace a piece of merchandise she had picked out. and the girl screamed with all her might. i looked at that sulky, scrunched up face and shushed her. and blessed silence overtook us all. my coworker waiting behind the register said, "wow, did that just work?" i returned to the candle display and continued to clean it up, and the girl kept peaking around her stroller giving me these fearful looks. but at least she was silent. and then they were gone. its not as if i was physically violent with her. all i did was look at her and say, "sh!" granted, i was irritated, but most children don't really care if someone is irritated, they care if the person is angry enough to punish them. maybe my irritation came off as anger. and its happened before. i've caused many an evil little smile to disappear off the face of some really irksome kids. i wonder if i'll ever have children.

my parents think i'm prickly.

and i am. but sometimes it makes me feel guilty. they've given me everything of importance in my life and i repay them with my prickly temper. but sometimes, they goad me! things they say prompt my irritation. and i can only feel sorry for them when they say something so unwittingly that makes me mad. perhaps i should leave them memos