bad timing

yesterday, i was ranting about something stupid i did and ran out of time--the very thing i was ranting about in the first place. sometimes i wonder what life would be like if the world weren't governed by it. how would we ever synchronize anything like classes or meetings or even birthdays? the real question for me though is: would the world be better without time or worse? and when i say time, i mean watches and clocks--basically the measurements that try to define time; i do not mean in any way the passage of the sun across the sky.

if i weren't in such a hurry last time i attempted to post (which was yesterday) i would have already posted my rantings yesterday. as it was, i closed the window in a hurry and lost all the details of the world that were irking me yesterday. which is probably better for you. and me.

today, i am anxious. friday is my best friend's birthday and we are attempting to throw her a surprise party. for one thing, i don't have a present as of yet. that and i have not yet solicited the permission from my father to actually attend the party i am trying to organize. lastnight i said something in a tone that i regret now, but only a little. as a result he did not say that i couldn't go, just that the whole thing was poorly planned. without a no, i am hopeful. and as it happens, every time my parents have qualms about something i would like to do, i start getting paranoid. what if their fears are granted and i get into a horrible car accident? what if they're right and a stray hobo on the beach where we will have the bonfire attacks and kidnaps us? what if its too cold to be at the beach and i get sick? then they would have been right and i would be worse off--being either dead or on my way. then my spirit would never leave the world of the living and my parents would divorce and my sister would die of a broken heart, etc. i think people are right when they say i don't get out enough. who obsesses about these things just because their parents do? there is a remedy somewhere for me, but i still don't think going out in the extreme sense of the word is going to do it.

and until i am cured, i must continue to "deal extremely" as the saying goes. here's dancing across thin ice.