feak and weeble

if i had written this yesterday like i planned, i would have said that i don't know what to say, but that there is still so much to talk about. this weekend was a nightmare, but not in the ways that i expected it to be. i fear this post is going to be long.

i did work at the LA times festival of books both saturday and sunday. saturday, i had a granola bar for breakfast at 6:30 am. i didn't get to eat next until 8:00 that evening. the booth was so busy, sometimes it was hard to breathe. after the first three hours of set up, i was starving but couldn't eat because we hadn't even really begun yet. after that, i think i was running on adrenaline. i was wearing my contacts that day so my eyes were also dry and uncomfortable. and then i unexpectedly got my period early on in the day. when i was finally allowed a fifteen minute break, i went to the food stalls but they only took cash and i only had two dollars. i thought i could at least by a soft pretzel, but they were $3.00! even a snack-sized bag of chips was $2.50! i was outraged at the prices! i went back to the booth after my fifteen minutes having not eaten and just swiped another granola bar from the snack basket under the register and had to make do. so, i was hungry, tired, and bleeding slowly. i thank God that i didn't collapse that day. as it was, i sold as many books as i could, recommending as many as was possible, considering i only started selling books two months before. i spent a hefty amount myself on books autographed by authors at our booth.

i left at 4:30 to go to church and i am ashamed to say that i fell asleep during the homily. i made up for it by not receiving communion.

then there was a two hour drive home during rush hour traffic. when we got there at around 8:00, my sister's engagement party was in full swing. i went upstairs, washed my face and took off my contacts, then went back down, ate and was present until 11:00 when all the guests had left and my mother insisted i go to sleep. i didn't actually get to bed until around midnight because i had to sort some things out.

sunday was a better day. i did not wear my contacts, and i made sure to eat a very heavy breakfast. i found that this wasn't necessary because alex let me eat lunch that day. we sold a lot more books on sunday because we actually had time to do a little marketing beforehand. that, and i was working up to parr since i was a little more prepared. the festival ended at 5:00 and we started cleaning up and re-boxing those books that we hadn't sold. then we had to push the carts loaded with boxes to the parking structure and, going up the ramp, mine and Lauri's cart hit a pothole and tipped over. other than that, i only suffered a desperate need to go pee and aching ankles and feet.

when finished, my dad and i drove to carson for my aunt's 30th birthday party. she did not get proposed to. instead she had to endure my sister talking about her wedding. sometimes i think my sister is oblivious to these kinds of things.

got home at 10:00, did my homework and was in bed by midnight.

i was drifting into sleep when i heard my sister give a great sobbing heave. at first i thought she was crying because of something my father said to her, since they were the only two still awake and they have always fought with each other. then she began to scream and i realized that she couldn't be yelling at my father. she kept yelling that she was sick of it, sick of it, sick of it. and then i remembered that she was on the phone when i closed my door to sleep. she was shouting and sobbing at her fiance. my dad silently left his desk and woke my mother. she went to Ate after she had gotten off the phone and i heard them talking in the bathroom as she continued to cry.

my sister's fiance, C has a younger brother, D, who is the family favorite (please bear with me using initials). his younger brother is a real piece of work, and i dislike him so much that i don't feel any qualms about being rude to him because he deserves it. i don't usually feel this strong a dislike for people, but he is the exception. ever since my sister and C started going out, D has been trying to top them. he got himself a girlfriend and insisted that she was the one, just as C admitted that he really loved my sister. i have seen D with his girlfriend and whenever they outwardly show affection, it is always in the presence of my sister and C. because he is the favorite, these kinds of things garner him the attention he so craves. his mother, my sister's soon-to-be mother-in-law, indulges him and can't stop talking about his girlfriend like she's some kind of treasure.

when my sister started yelling that she was "sick of it", she was referring to D's always stealing their attention. her fiance had told her over the phone that night that D planned to propose to his girlfriend in july--two months before my sister's wedding.

this is disgusting and wrong. he has not yet finished college and neither has his girlfriend. they only show affection for each other when they're in front of my sister and her fiance just to top them, but i don't think they even love each other. once they had an argument so severe that his girlfriend ran to his parents to make them stop D from being so cruel to her. and he wants to propose to her? the only reason he wants to propose to her in july is so that he can take the attention from my sister and C. that is the only reason. he can't stand it when his older brother is getting all the attention, so he will propose to his girlfriend so that during his older brother's wedding, all the guests will be talking about his engagement and not paying any attention to the bride and groom.

i don't usually believe these kinds of things--people who plan other people's misery--and i always try to defend the people my mother and sister accuse of purposefully planning harm, but i know this accusation of there's is true. i know it because he once tried to take advantage of me. and i can't stand it that his selfishness is making my sister so miserable. miserable to the point where she's thinking of not marrying C after all. she loves him very much, but it is his family she cannot stand, especially D and their mother. i can't stand it. i can't stand them.

my sister talked with C lastnight and told him how she felt, how she wanted to postpone the wedding for now so that D and his girlfriend can get married first. she hopes that if they get married first, there is nothing more they can do to steal the attention from them. i know deep within that if they do get married, they will be strangled by their own misery. D has always gotten what he wants, but people like that also get what they despise two-fold. they can't get married. they don't love each other and they're only doing it for some attention. this is wrong.

my mother checked the contract she had signed with the hotel where my sister's reception is going to be. she paid almost $6,000 for that ballroom, and if my sister and C decide to postpone or cancel the wedding, my mother will not get a refund. this makes me mad as well. my mother said--valiantly, i must say--that she can afford to lose $6,000 as long as my sister is happy. but i am angry that we should have to sacrifice that money and my sister's happiness for D and his stupid antics.

i am angry, and i can feel that kind of poison running through me. i'm scared that i'll say something unforgivable if i am forced to see D or his mother, so i am trying my best to stay away.

my time is up, i have to go. that was my weekend.