human wreckage
i read a book lastnight that disturbed me--not because it had physical violence or because it was psychologically horrifying. its an innocent book in many ways and a new york times bestseller. but it disturbed me all the same.
i don't know anything about love or relationships. how can i? but even in my ignorance i knew this was wrong.
in this book, a boy and a girl are in love, but its a long-distance relationship. the girl--in throes of agony because she wants to forget about this boy she loves so far away--breaks up with him in an attempt to be free from lovesickness and regain some vestige of happiness. it doesn't work. instead, when she finds out he's been seen with another girl, she regrets ever breaking up with him because she misses him, etc. so far, nothing about this story sounds remarkable or worthy of note, especially for a person like me who has a nasty way of looking at cliche storylines. well, the boy comes to visit and she sees him for the first time in half a year. at first she is too much of a coward to do anything but slam a door in his face and wring her hands. then gradually--with her sister and friends egging her on--she realizes that she's tired of being a coward and sneaks to the house he is staying in the middle of the night and asks to talk to him. she is honest and they both admit to being in love with one another. how nice. from that night on, she and her boy are on a downward spiral, unable to live without each other, forgetting about living normal lives if the other isn't near. and so on.
then he tells her he must go home. she thinks it is a family emergency but he tells her that it isn't. some short letters later, he tells her that he doesn't think they should have a relationship anymore; that he will always love her even if he tried not to. she is just about to be heartbroken for another month when she finds out that her grandfather has died. she and her family go to his funeral and she sees her boy there since her grandfather was almost like a grandfather to him. her boy with his new bride on his arm. his bride.
he finally explains to her that after she had broken things off he went out with this woman three times and that the only reason why he married her is because he got her pregnant by accident. she was his rebound...thing...and he got her pregnant. he said he would always love her but that he was a bastard (for getting the girl pregnant) but also a gentleman (for taking responsibility for his actions and marrying the skank).
and in all honesty, this broke my heart. because in a moment of weakness he lost everything that could have made him happy. and he ruined her life as well. its just a story, i know, but it still disturbs me; and i don't know whether its because he slept with this woman on their second night out or whether it is because he married her only because she's pregnant or whether it is because the girl he loves has had her heart broken. now he's tied down because he's married to this woman he doesn't love and he does not have enough money to support a family yet.
and i keep telling myself how RIDICULOUS it is for me to feel this way because (1) its just a story, (2) i'm getting so bent out of shape over something that happens all the time and (3) i have more important things to worry about and here i am brooding over this tragic love story that is far beyond sense and reason!
i think the dilemma is what really bothers me. i wanted to ask a guy today what he would do in the same situation: would you marry the girl you impregnated even though you love someone else? would you marry her because you feel obligated to take care of the girl carrying your child, even if your true love was somebody else? if the guy said "yes, i would marry her" this would break my heart. if he said "no, i would not marry her" this would disgust me. any answer to this question would make me unhappy! the question itself is just too...wrong. a guy should not have to make that decision.
so, again, its just a story, but its been bothering me all day. if anyone is reading this, which i doubt, i fervently hope that none of you will have to make this decision. i also hope that no one judges me soley on this post. if i've offended anyone, that was not my intention when i wrote it.
*continues to feel miserable*
i think i should cease with the dwelling...
3 Comments:
That is sad. The fact that this guy tried to drown his sorrows in the company of another is just bad judgment. But that’s not your question, Wig, right? If his ever happened to me, and I very much doubt it would, I am sorry to say that I would not marry the girl. In the end, that lack of happiness would somehow turn to resentment and that type of relationship is not the best between parents. A child should not have to grow up in the middle a home like that, a loveless home.
Personally, since I love kids you would be hard pressed to get me away from one of my own. But marriage is an act done by two people that love each other. To do it because of a sense of obligation is abhorrent. The fact is that what this guy in the book did was a huge mistake, but why make another mistake to solve the first one? I mean, now a days, if something like that happened I would hope that the couple would give it a chance, see if a relationship between them would work before getting married. Not just get married because of that. In my view even bringing a life into this world is not good enough reason to get married, would you condone a loveless marriage, doomed to failure from the start? All because of a sense of obligation?
It’s tricky, I know, but have you ever had a friend or known someone who has grown up in that kind of marriage? I have, several in fact, and they all have problems deriving from that second mistake that their parents made because of a sense of obligation.
*sighs* i know you are right in my heart. and yes, i have known someone who has done that before. my mom's uncle. he married a woman he barely knew because he got her pregnant. what's worse is that he continued to have an affair with the woman he really loved. so, he had two families, one with the woman he married and one with the woman he loved. i could never be that second woman, raising a family while my lover was living with his wife and legal children. and he doesn't even love her.
my mother still says that he should have married the other woman. she met her when they were still dating and liked her much better than my great aunt--the one he ended up marrying. as for their children, my aunts and uncles...i think they know that their father has another family, but feel sorry for him. his wife doesn't seem to care, as long as she has money. she had seduced him in the first place for his wealth.
thanks for answering my question, madeyes.
Hey! What am I here for but to help you answer the conundrums of morality, eh? Not that any such situation has a standard answer. It all depends, I think, in the different people involved and their circumstances. Who’s to say that what worked in one instance will work in another? Alas, its one of those things that just doesn’t have a straight forward answer or solution.
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