the most peaceful shade of calm

its strange for me when someone says i am loved. i don't think i am the most lovable person--i think i am very difficult to love.

on saturday, yesterday, my mother and father decided to celebrate their anniversary (24 years). they would go to the spiffy restaurant that i bought them a gift card for. that would mean i would be alone at home saturday night. my sister insisted that she and her fiancee take me out.

i was reluctant because i'm tired of being the third wheel. first my sister, now my best friend. i like their company but, when it comes down to it, the couples hold hands and walk ahead while i trail behind.

i told my sister that i wasn't so sure about it, that i had things to do for school. she ignored me and said we would go out to a dinner. i figured sitting down and eating wouldn't make me feel like an unwanted addition to the coupling. i agreed.

i went to work saturday morning, got off at 6:00, then went home. we still hadn't decided what to do after dinner and i told my sister to tell her fiancee that i was tired and didn't feel like playing miniature golf or bowling.

she was standing in the doorway to my room while i said this and i was sprawled on my bed, feeling like i could lie there forever. then she said something that made me feel the aforementioned strangeness.

"he loves you, you know."
"what?"
"he loves you."

she meant her fiancee, my soon-to-be brother-in-law. she said that he had never had a sister before (only his rotten excuse for a brother) and that he enjoyed having me to tease and fight with. she said that it was his idea to take me out saturday night in the first place because he wanted to spend some time with me.

this made me feel strange. not uncomfortable, just...strange. i think it would be very difficult for anyone to love me, especially those outside of my immediate family. i love my best friend, but that is because we've been friends since before we could walk. i love my friends online (that means you two and i think you know who you are) but i've always figured that was a one-sided thing since i tend to overreact a lot--if you haven't noticed. and then here's this guy who's 25 years old and who i've only known for two years and my sister tells me he loves me. now that i think of it, she might have just said that.

*shakes head* on september 17, i am going to have a brother. what a life i shall live then.

tomorrow marks the beginning of week 7. three more weeks to research and write. three more weeks and then i'm free. then i'll be a sophomore in college. it goes by fast, doesn't it?