in the maw of the demon

so. here i am. the weather has been nice all day, although it poured rain for about two hours yesterday morning. a couple of weeks ago, i got caught in a cloudburst at around 10pm, which is definitely a first for me. the cloudburst and the 10pm. mostly because i was on the street with nothing to protect me but my dress and my skin. i had thought to bring my umbrella that night but had decided against it. the thunder was so exhilirating at first. and the breeze. then out of nowhere it starts pouring rain. it was the uncanniest thing. there was no gradual drizzle at first, not even a light mist. it was as if a dam just broke and we were caught right under it. there was shrieking and laughing and, later on, much huddling beneath construction scaffolding.

this is new york.

before i got here, my going to new york generated a lot of talk. coming of age talk; small suburban girl in the big city talk. but now that i'm here, new york doesn't seem like such a colossal place. i've been living by all sorts of maps here so i know it is a big city, but new york can be just as everyday as southern california. we have to take out the trash three times a week. i do the dishes. i've learned to use the small washer and dryer. i work. it's true that there are all kinds of wonderful things around. but they're just around. i'm sure i won't notice how grand this place is until i go home and realize how quiet and spread out everything is.

and i think that is what i will remember most about new york city. how the city progresses without really expanding its borders any. back home, newness causes the cities to become bigger, to spread their borders, to build new buildings on previously empty land. here in new york, there is no empty land. buildings are torn down and new buildings are built. or old buildings are gutted and renovated. newness rises up and burrows down because that's the only direction it can go in. i went to two movie theaters here and they just struck me as such poor stuff. no stadium seating, no panoramic screen. at one cineplex, the theaters were stacked one on top of each other instead of side by side. at the angelika theater, the theater was so narrow, there was only one aisle going down the middle and seats on either side of it. but New Yorkers have nowhere else to go. districts that were previously run down and seedy regenerate themselves because its not like the people can just abandon them. chinatown used to be an extremely unsavory place but its gotten better now. even soho and greenwich village were not highly desirable places before. but they are now. they were made to be. that's what i mean. nothing stays the same here for long because the people never leave, they have no choice but to stay and patch up this well-worn city. nothing stays abandoned here for long. not like out in the west. there are so many famous photographs of ghostowns and abandoned gas stations and boarded houses or hotels along old highways. they can't afford to have those here in new york--there just isn't any room. they would take those old ghostowns and make it livable again because there are too many people who need places to live here. i remember rome for its surprises, its famous fountains and piazzas and ancient ruins that existed around narrow corners and cobbled streets. i remember paris for its wide open spaces. new york will be my baby boomer--like that generation that never seems to get old, like that generation that seems to always make themselves feel new again.

i went to long island one weekend and i was amazed at the way people live there. they have beautiful homes with green front lawns and green backyards and all kinds of nature. it was a barbecue that we came for, so we stayed out til dusk and i was finally able to say with certainty that i have heard the song of the cicadas. i knew i could imagine it because i've heard the sound before--even before i knew about cicadas. and later there was a strange noise coming from beyond the trees. the host said, "it sounds like someone gnashing their teeth. or a duck." and i said, "maybe it's a duck gnashing its teeth." it was a beautiful afternoon. and there were burgers and hot dogs.

so far i've seen the empire state building, rockefeller center, the metropolitan museum of art, the american museum of natural history, washington square garden, the southern tip of central park, the new york public library, brooklyn heights, long island and two minutes' worth of queens, coney island, times square, the flatiron building (used to pass it on my way home from work when i was living on park ave), and all kinds of other nameless wonders that you can only find in new york. i've been trying to get to the cloisters but the weather's been bad both times i wanted to go. i've got a list going of other places i have to visit.

i think, though, that that will have to be all for now. i'm still living new york, you see, and i won't be able to say much about it until later when i can see it all from a distance.

plus i've gotten sleepy. goodnight.